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You, my near destitute friend, have but one option, and it is Regent Bank, which, for some unfathomable reason, still uses first generation mechanical money trees that dispense $5 bills, not just the ubiquitous tens and twenties most ATMs spit out. Thus you can yank your last fin without entering the red zone. Most of us thought ATMs that still gave out $5 bills followed Reagan out of the White House, but we were wrong.

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